“One, if you had a piece of meat – however whorish he may be – in your bed, I’d hope you wouldn’t answer your phone. And two because as hot and juicy as that piece of meat may be, you know the moment you sink your teeth into it, you’re gonna be fucked, one way or another.”“Wouldn’t mind being fucked,” I mutter. My mind instantly giving me an action packed – and unfortunately short – mental replay of my momentous fuckup last night with Matt. His hands burning through my dress, the taste of him on my tongue, the feel of his hard cock pressing into me…
“Just go part the pink sea and have a one-finger hate-hug with your vagina,” she says, matter-of-factly.
I make an exaggerated gagging noise. “Do not say the word vagina.”
“Why can’t I say vagina, vag, vaaaagiiiiiiinnnnnaaaaa,” she starts to sing.I can’t stop the giggle and don’t even try because Natalie singing about the business end of lady town is just hysterical. When I can finally compose myself, I explain. “That word is so … so … it’s just eww. Pussy, beaver, minge, foo-foo, punani, snatch; all of that is fine. But vagina, nuh-uh.”Now Nat laughs at me which in turn just makes me smile. I scooch down the bed and snuggle deeper into the mattress to get comfortable.“And I don’t hate my hoohaa so why would I be giving it an abusive finger-bang?”“You’re right. You might damage yourself and then you’d never get anywhere near the infamous Mini WD” Matt was named ‘Mini Walking Dildo’ by my friend Mac since he is Noah’s little brother and Noah is the original ‘Walking Dildo’ – well before he met my sister that is.“True story,” I reply.“Exactly. You don’t need your downtown to be out of order. You never know when the next big train might come rolling in.”
“My best pick up line?”“Yep. Hit me with it,” I goad.“You sure you can handle it, Matty boy?"
I chuckle at the challenge. “Bring it on, Legs.”
“Still don’t get the legs thing,” she mutters.
“It’s because every time I see them I imagine them wrapped around my head."She chokes down the phone and then the line goes eerily quiet.“Mia?”“I’m here. Just hitting pause on that mental image and saving it for later.” Now it’s my turn to swallow my tongue.“Jesus, woman. Warn a guy before you throw out the Viagra lines.”“What?” she says, choking down laughter.“Words like that take a man from floppy to stabby in zero point five seconds.”“What can I say, it’s a gift.”